Review: LAST WEEK (POST SHARK)

Script review for triggerstreet.com

LAST WEEK (POST SHARK) - Ben Hausler

Last Week is a previous screenplay of the month nominee and the version I’m reviewing has been re-written in light of ScriptShark’s feedback. As such I was expecting good things.

In many ways I wasn’t disappointed. Last Week is a smooth, enjoyable read. The main character, Ray, is a likeable grouch trying to thaw his emotional detachment from the world before death claims him, an arc I enjoyed, and the story throws up some fun moments and memorable visuals through his daily escapades.

Despite the positives I couldn’t get over the script’s overwhelming complaint: at the moment this is very familiar territory. The Bucket List is the obvious touchstone because of the list device, but even more so I was reminded of Stranger Than Fiction, especially in the way Ray accepts his own death to save an innocent’s life. I believe that Last Week demonstrates a great deal of potential but would need considerable redevelopment to explore it’s concept in a way that doesn’t draw comparison to these recent productions.

I’ve concentrated my notes in two directions – firstly trying to improve the script in its current form and secondly trying to push the script towards untapped territory.

The list device works well to create an episodic escalation of daily events that force Ray to push his comfort boundaries and grow, however it currently suffers from two main weaknesses: its introduction is unconvincing and its obstacles are too easily overcome. Dr Morello seems to suggest the list somewhat off-the-cuff; he just throws the idea out there without much reasoning behind it. Ray seems extremely unconvinced, Dr Morello even seems to imply it’s a weak suggestion, but Ray just goes along with it for the sake of the story – and this is how I, as the audience, felt too, I just go along with it for the sake of the story. I recommend re-working the moment where Dr Morello suggests the list to give him greater authority and the reasoning behind the list greater significance. Ray needs to be convinced that working through the list will genuinely help him to settle his inner turmoil before death finds him and that way the audience can buy-into the list alongside him. Next, the obstacles presented by the list need to challenge Ray’s commitment to his chosen path more than they do. For example, when Ray is performing his song the obstacle he faces are the rednecks who object to his terrible rendition – they throw a bottle and hit him first time. If the rednecks were to miss first time Ray would face a choice, flee the stage or continue despite them. By letting Ray sing on despite the bottles flying and the brawl breaking out – then getting hit – he would have chosen to overcome adversity (if only temporarily) rather than running straight into it. The marathon never really tests Ray, there’s never any doubt he’ll complete it. When he crosses the line Jay asks ‘No cheating?’, but Ray never had an opportunity to cheat. If another friend, perhaps Jenny, were to ride past on a motorbike and offer him a lift into town when he’s struggling – then saying no would be resisting temptation. The heist is pulled off without any sort of hitch, and a heist is a perfect opportunity for hi-jinks – hiding, tricking, fighting, chases, etc – yet it’s all a bit too easy for Ray. Because the daily list targets are always achieved without much drama the list device (in my opinion) fails to fulfil its potential.

The romance is actually my favourite part of the story which is rare, I often find romance subplots desperately clichéd or overly saccharine but not this one. It was sweet and genuinely touching – it’s the romance that really made me ‘get’ Ray’s emotional detachment. In my opinion the romance is really the heart of the story, it’s the clash between his love for Kate and his fear of death that’s driven Ray into his hole, and it’s through her he finds the peace to face what’s coming. Again, my only issue is that winning Kate back is really pretty easy for Ray, they bond over Forrest’s death then later Ray turns on the charm – wham-bam, he’s rocking her world. I think Kate should force Ray to tell her about his death-date – that’s what forced them apart to start with, that’s what he’s been trying to get over all this time. He needs to tell Kate, and she needs to come with him to the bargain basement. She needs to see him sacrifice himself to save Jenny and then she’ll believe him, she’ll understand why he couldn’t come with her when they were young and he’ll be redeemed in her eyes. The story will then have gone full circle. As it is, the moment where he leaves her in bed is very touching and the way he faces his death like a man deserves respect – but if you combine those moments by having Kate still with him at the end, then I believe you’ll have a much more powerful climax.

Those are my suggestions for tightening you script in its current form but they do little to alleviate the core complaint about familiarity. So let’s look at the two films I compared it too:

The Bucket List
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0825232/

Stranger Than Fiction
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0420223/

(click through and check out the synopsis)

In the Bucket List he’s an old man who learns he has cancer and makes a list of things to do before he dies. In Stranger Than Fiction he’s a young man who hears a woman’s voice narrating his life say that in one week he’ll be dead.

Last Week shares the list device in common with Bucket List, but it shares more in common with Stranger Than Fiction – an emotionally detached character thawing out, an imminent death, a supernatural method of learning about their death, and accepting their death to save an innocent.

To help Last Week become a less comparable story you need to accentuate the differences from both stories. The most difficult suggestion to accept will be dumping the list device – Bucket List was too successful and it’s too reminiscent. My suggestion here is to make it a day-by-day situation, rather than a pre-arranged list. Ray is at a point of utter despair, he’s a week away from death and can’t ignore it any more – he’s paralysed by the knowledge, he gets out of bed and just doesn’t know what to do with his day, he’s can’t carry on as normal any more. So he goes to see the psychiatrist who tells him… rather than make a list, to get up each morning, look in the mirror and pick one thing he wants to do with that day, one thing he’s always wanted to do, and make it happen. By putting that little spin on it you lose the list device, and gain a scene each morning where he’s looking at himself in the mirror. Same goals, same story, different device.

Harold Crick (Stranger Than Fiction) learns about his ‘imminent’ death just a week before it occurs. Ray has known about his for years and it’s only a week before it’s due that he can’t ignore the knowledge any more. You need to labour that point to stress the difference – make it clear that for the last nine years he’s been doing his best not to think about it, just working himself into the ground, getting drunk, being an asshole. It’s only when there’s just a week left something snaps, he freezes, he locks up and can’t function any more. He doesn’t learn about his death at the beginning of the week, he’s known about it for years, that’s why he’s destroyed his life, he couldn’t deal with it. Harold Crick is an emotionally detached man because that’s how he’s always been and he’s slow to grow out of it. Ray used to be emotionally involved and he’s forced himself to detach, that’s why when he snaps out of it he can bounce back much faster – that’s your difference there “I spent nine years destroying my life, I’ve got seven days to get it back”.

I think the Grandfather needs a little more work to make him a true mystic golden-oldie, at the moment he’s a little generic and a lot of the concept hinges on him. He doesn’t have much screen time so he’s got to really own it. Try going out on a limb, sketch a really eccentric character (hell, try a dozen crazy Grandfather’s until you find one that really owns the moment).

Finally, the cashier-killer needs a little more work. Harold Crick gets hit by a bus pulling a little boy out the way. Ray’s death is a lot more violent so you need the foreshadowing to work for that – currently you drop a couple of newspaper headlines early on and then suddenly a flashback at the end. It’s not blatant and Ray’s too slow to not realise it earlier. This is the only area I don’t have a suggestion for – foreshadowing is delicate and can take a lot of tweaking to get right, but I’m sure you can find a solution.

I hope you’ve found my notes helpful – it’s a script I’ve definitely enjoyed reviewing. If you’d like to discuss any of these suggestions or if there’s issues I’ve not mentioned you’d like to talk about, feel free to get in touch.