Review: ORDINARY HERO

Script review for triggerstreet.com

ORDINAY HERO - by Jared Chase

The biggest problem with Superman stories is that he only has one weakness, kryptonite, so every plot must revolve around the cursed substance in a novel form. Unknown Hero doesn’t even possess this one chink in his armour; he’s completely and utterly invincible, significantly more powerful than any other ‘meta’ and as such there’s never (ever!) any danger that he’ll be defeated. While we all know the hero always wins, in this case that’s made so obvious throughout that it never feels like he achieves anything, victory is never in doubt so success can be taken for granted.

A superhero is only as good as the villains he’s up against. The Terror Squad are an imaginatively animated bunch, their range of powers combining for what could be visually impressive action scenes – except they’re undermined by Unknown Hero’s utter invincibility. I was feeling sorry for them before the first punch was thrown; they just never stood a chance. I doubt that was the sympathy balance the writer had in mind. As for the ‘evil plot’ underlying their criminal behaviour, African genocide is definitely bad enough, but did Ironclad really have to explain it all to Travis? I’m pretty sure the audience had got it by that point and I was imagining Syndrome from The Incredibles thumping his head, shouting “oh my god, you got me monologuing!” The Terror Squad working for the same company as our hero’s secret identity is pretty convenient and coincidental, but that’s standard fare in superhero movies so no real complaints there.

Our hero’s personality and arc is the real meat in this sandwich. He starts the story as a reluctant vigilante, dealing only with meta-crimes beyond the normal police’s ability and turning a blind eye to everyday rape and murder, etc, and determinedly steering clear of the bureaucratic nightmare that is ‘Task Force’ – he’s straddling the grey area. Only when his drug-loving little sister takes a few bullets does he tip over the edge and go full-on vigilante. His initial position, straddling the grey area is interesting. It’s murky; it separates him from the standard hero fare. But it’s also territory mined superbly by Watchmen (and with less conviction by Hancock and My Super Ex-Girlfriend), so it’s no longer as interesting as it once was. Unfortunately, Hero’s utter invincibility comes back into play to undermine the issues raised – he’s effectively above the law and punishment, so that shouldn’t hold him back and once he does turn full vigilante he’s so god-damn good at it that his earlier reluctance seems excessively selfish, further undermining support for a character we’re already scraping for reasons to get behind.

Travis’ only Achilles’ heel is his sister, a skanky little party girl with no redeeming characters – when Travis threatened to cut her out his life I was actually cheering him on! Yes, we know he ‘has’ to love her because Mummy died and he’s all she’s got, but you need to give us more than that – underneath her crackhead exterior must be something worth redeeming, we need at least a glimpse of it to care.

I enjoyed the wisecracking dialogue; it carries most the script’s tone, but there’s isn’t half a lot of voice over comments! And talk about expositional dialogue! There are some passages which clearly serve no purpose except to pass a piece of information to the audience; nobody would ever actually hold a conversation like that. There’s an apt phrase here – show, don’t tell – a little more visual writing should make some of that exposition unnecessary. Travis’ work conversations are especially soap-like, lots of believable dialogue about details that could (and should) be massively reduced to sharper exchanges.

Structure is kind of all-over the place. We start of very episodic, two whole sequences Hector and Miguel then Lamprey, could both be cut completely with no impact to the main plot (which would incidentally help shave the excessive length). I’m trying to figure out what the inciting incident is – I’m plumping for his promotion, that’s the change in his life which leads to the main plot unravelling – that doesn’t kick in until page 24! Conventional wisdom drops that on page 12, usually 15 at the latest. There’s a lot of pages spent setting up the world which could do with being condensed into half the time.

Many of the nicest touches are of only peripheral significance: Travis’ anti-meta pretence with Pam, the Dump Bar and Frost, his relationship with Jake, having to keep his secret identity intact while rescuing his sister, etc. These moments are all handled with consideration and flair that demonstrates an in-depth understanding and love of the world being explored. The script’s saving grace, in my opinion, is the writer’s passion for this world which shines through in every page and despite its many flaws makes it an enjoyable read. It is, in many ways, passionate, undisciplined writing – unwilling to reign in details and tighten up scenes because of the belief that it’s the little things which make the world breath. But this unwillingness to make sacrifices results in a bloated story that never quite delivers with the conviction it hopes too.

I believe some significant changes need to be made for the next draft, but I do believe the writer should pursue another draft because I think they care too much about this story to give up on it. You need to make Unknown Hero weaker, a lot weaker. He can’t just brute-force his way out of every situation; he needs to need his brain! You need to get into the action quicker, you need to get the Terror Squad involved earlier, and I’d give serious consideration to letting the Terror Squad escape to Africa and having Unknown Hero chase them into their territory. I wont make too many suggestions because this script needs a lot of rebuilding and that can only come from you, but you need to get inside your story’s dynamics – figure out why you think Travis deserves our attention, why is his story better than Spiderman’s, or Superman’s – what’s our hook?

I hope you’ve found my review helpful and if you’d like to discuss any of the comments and suggestions I’ve made, feel free to get in touch. Good luck with your next draft.